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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:48 pm 
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Sent to the PUNitentery in PUNsylvania....

=============================

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:12 pm 
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Don't you have a storm to track someplace??

Dyslexics Untie!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:39 pm 
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:02 pm 
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Groan. Can I buy back my introduction to you?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up nights contemplating the existence of dog. So there.....


Last edited by PK on Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:54 pm 
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Come on, man, number 19 was INSPIRED!

Oh, and I already drank the wine PK, so there. :razz:

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 7:57 pm 
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SSSOOO CCCOORRRNNNYYYY. :roll:

Rog

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:08 pm 
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Corny indeed but I just wish I could remember the longest one I ever read. Something about a symphony orchestra playing Beethoven's ninth. On and on it went, I remember the folks in the bass section were passing around a bottle, something was causing the music sheets to blow off the stands. The tag line, much longer than I can remember started with: So it was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, the bass's were loaded.... Ever heard that one?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:21 am 
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herbert, something like this:

Story of a conductor
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven?s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.


Google is everyone's friend just google part of something and it will show up!


Jeremy


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:26 am 
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I have to agree, #19 was my favorite. Did you post this after you drank the wine? That might explain a lot. :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:07 pm 
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PK wrote:
I have to agree, #19 was my favorite. Did you post this after you drank the wine? That might explain a lot. :lol:


I'm not telling!

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 Post subject: en garde!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:54 pm 
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Did you know that:
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients?

A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi.

A pet store once had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

And that:
There once was a man who bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

Then he drove his car until the day of wreckoning.

There was a guy who died very unhappy, it seems he had a photographic memory that was never developed.

That same fellow often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

As it turns out he loved crosswords. So they buried him six down and three across.


He was hit on the head during a hailstorm and was knocked out cold.

There's another guy who wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Confuscious say: He who talks with his mouth full is speaking ingest.





and today's topper....













A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...

























Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

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